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fandomweekly2019-01-31 06:57 pm
[#005] Surviving (The Big Chill)
Title: Surviving
Fandom: The Big Chill
Rating/Warnings: G, but heavy warning for suicide (discussion of attempt)
Bonus: Yes
Word Count: 860
Summary: An angstier 'everyone lives' AU, where it's a hospitalization rather than a funeral that brings everyone back together-- neither Alex nor Michael are particularly good at hope. Even so, some things are worth taking a stab at.
“I should have told you a long time ago.” Alex says. His voice is flat, his gaze fixed on the window, but not focused.
“I always thought I knew.” Michael undoes the restraints on one side, freeing an arm from the rail on the side of the bed. The bandaged side. “I mean… I thought we were the same. Sad, sometimes, sometimes not even up to being sad, but…”
“I thought so, too. Until you looked as surprised as everybody else. You’ve never wanted to?”
“No. Wish I’d never been born, sometimes, but… I’ve never had the impulse to…”
Everyone else had gone home for the night. Normally, visiting hours would prevent his spending the night here. One of the doctors had said it would be good to have someone there… but even then, Michael is pretty sure they’d frown on his undoing the restraints.
It’s just… there’s something so fucking depressing about them. Maybe the Vegas odds on trusting Alex right now aren’t good, but it’s not like he’s leaving him alone, and it’s not like there’s anything he could do…
“Are you allowed to uncuff me?”
“Sure, if no one finds out. It’s a radical new therapy method I like to call not making you feel like a prisoner for a little while.”
“Oh, that is radical.”
“All you have to do is not kill yourself tonight.” Michael says, and Alex laughs.
“I don’t know.”
“I know.” He presses an impulsive kiss to the bandages.
“I’ve got so many options, in this room where all the sharp objects have been removed, and there are no exposed beams where I can hang myself with my bedsheets. If I threw myself out that window, I don’t think the fall would kill me.”
“Alex…”
“Sorry. No one likes it when the suicidal guy jokes about suicide.”
“No, not that. That part I understand. I just mean… do you want me to undo the other side?”
Alex meets his eyes, gazes into them a long moment. “You know I had someone ask if this got it out of my system?”
“Wow.”
“You know it doesn’t work like that.”
It isn’t a question. It doesn’t need to be. Michael knows what it’s like, urge to kill himself aside. It comes and it goes, but it’s never really gone.
He undoes the other restraint.
“I don’t want to, but I still think about it.” He whispers. “Sometimes I think about it, but it’s not the same… it’s not what you have to live with.”
“Have to live with.” Alex snorts. “Why’d you come?”
“Harold called and said you were in the hospital. He said it was an accident.”
“Sorry he couldn’t just say it. Those delicate southern sensibilities… Or maybe he thought it wasn’t something he could say over the phone. Or I should be the one to tell you, I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“I came because I had to see you. I should have told you a long time ago, but you were always the best part of me. The nights we spent shutting the world out together… The times it was just us… I’ve never had anything since that meant to me what we did. And we haven’t spoken in so long… you don’t answer the phone. And I thought this way maybe you’d have to talk to me just for two minutes. Maybe that was stupid--”
“No.”
“I didn’t expect much. Just to see you. Just to hope you would remember me and… not even want something, just remember something.”
“I remember everything.” Alex takes his hand. Squeezes.
“It was a longshot--”
“No, it wasn’t. Michael, it wasn’t.”
“You haven’t wanted to talk to me--”
“More than anything. When I want anything at all. Lately I don’t… I want-- I want the absence of things. Michael… I’ve been planning this. A long time. And-- and things might pick up and I’d put that plan on hold, but-- I couldn’t let you in. When I had this plan. I couldn’t. Then I saw you… Michael, I’m always going to be this. Whatever you want… I’m always going to be this.”
“I know.” He leans forward, his fingers gently moving through Alex’ hair. “I remember things the way they were. We didn’t have it easy, but it was easier together than apart.”
“It was.”
“I’m just telling you… I want you to talk to me again. I still care about you… and you don’t need to feel anything, you don’t need to do anything special, you don’t need to follow me home-- you can. But I’m not asking that, I’m not… I’m not asking much. Just talk to me.”
“I’m not a lot of fun to live with.”
“Yes you are.” He kisses his wrist again. “As often as I am, anyway. Would you?”
“We did it once. We survived living together. I don’t know about me and surviving, but…”
“I know.” Michael smiles.
“Okay. Well, we’ll give it a shot.” Alex falls back against his pillow, closing his eyes. “I… I’m always going to be this, but… if you want to believe in me anyway, let’s give surviving a shot.”
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Lovely fic.
Thanks for sharing.
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It's a really good film, though I can't really explain why it inspires me the way it does... I have written about their college years, I've written AU upon AU just to get around the canon death, one of my favorite characters to write about never even appears in the movie alive?? But I just really love it.
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(and RIGHT? It's really, really good, but it's so sad, and somehow I wound up shipping the dead guy... although I feel like this is a ship that would appeal to certain fans of Dead Poet's Society...)
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I like to think in this, surviving did work out for them despite everything.
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Yeah, I need those AUs where things work out and no one dies...
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