fandomweekly | [#119] Distance (MDZS)

Theme Prompt: #119 - Heartbeat
Title: Distance
Fandom: MDZS
Rating/Warnings: T, Angst
Bonus: Yes
Word Count: 1000
Summary: Lan Wangji tells himself he shouldn’t be afraid, but he is.

“Listen, can you hear it?”

Wangji felt his heartbeat pulsing through his neck, while his body went cold. He tried to answer, and to his surprise he couldn’t find his voice for a while.

Maybe it was true, maybe he could... No, don’t even think about it, he told himself while forcing his breathing to remain even. He tried to listen for anything, but all he got was silence: the cheers and cries of victory from behind them had faded to nothing in the past few minutes. The waning sun painted in rosy tones the clouds above and the grassy field where they stood. All the Wen soldiers around them were dead.

“Hear what?” Wangji asked.

“Ah, there are a few birds singing in the distance. It’s... nice,” Wei Ying replied.

Wangji relaxed slightly, but chided himself.

Since Wei Ying’s return, rumors of the story of his escape from Burial Mounds and of his massacres of the Wen soldiers were already spreading like wildfire, not only among the common people but into their own allies’ ranks as well. He could hear, or maybe smell, weakness, fear, hatred, or even someone’s heartbeat; that’s how he could take on them all and leave unscathed, the tale went. Wangji knew all of it amounted only to foolish speculation spread by a few gossipers and sharpened tongues, born of fear, fear of Wei Ying. All the more reason to reprimand himself for letting those poisoned words get to him, for making him, even for a moment, afraid of his... friend.

He hoped he could at least still count Wei Ying as his friend. And yet... Wangji’s heartbeat would not slow down no matter how much he tried to control it. He could not hide it, at least from himself: he felt fear.

Wei Ying was staring north, where Wangji could see the edge of a forest if he focused enough. No one else was in sight; Wangji didn’t know how they went so far in the middle of the battle. He had just followed Wei Ying, who somehow had apparently found a secret detachment of the Wen Clan’s forces, and then both of them took care of it.

Their own forces were probably already setting up camp and planning their next move, which meant both of them should go back and assess the situation, but just as Wangji started walking towards him to tell him that, Wei Ying sat down on a rock and sighed loudly.

”Ah, Lan Zhan, the birds seem happy today. Birdsong is so soothing, are you sure you can’t hear it?” Maybe he could hear it, faintly, now that he knew what he was supposed to pay attention to, but before he could say so, Wei Ying continued, “In fact, an evening with the stars, the birds and the trees sounds a lot more pleasant than socializing with all those honored generals and strategizing and reports of war— not to mention the peacock, don’t you think?”

All the while, even though Wei Ying was pouting and keeping a humorous tone, his eyes were unreadable. That made Wangji more unable to control his heartbeat and his breathing than any rumor of strange new powers.

Wei Ying had changed more than Wangji could imagine possible after he returned from Burial Mounds. Wangji knew some of it, he had paid attention to everything Jiang Wanyin told him, hoping there was a clue there somewhere that would help them in their search. But now that they found him, Wangji himself was at a loss for what to do. The Wei Ying he always knew and cherished could make even a heavy sigh a sign of happiness. Now, even his laughter was at best empty, at worst full of anger and spite. Where his eyes were amazingly transparent, exposing his emotions even more than his words to the whole world without shame, now they were completely inscrutable. It was what unnerved him more than what worried most everyone else: his cultivation style and the pointed lack of Suibian by his side.

Those were the causes of people’s fears, and with those fears came the change in their attitude. Wangji, however, would remain as he always was, steady as stone. He might not be able to help Wei Ying otherwise. Of course Wangji worried about the strain Wei Ying’s cultivation was undoubtedly causing on his mind and body, but that’s not the only thing he wanted to help him overcome.

Wei Ying was still peering at his eyes- Wangji’s pensiveness must have been showing somehow. ”They are expecting us”, Wangji finally said. “In the camp, we could… I could…”

Wei Ying stood and started walking back towards their forces. ”Lan Zhan, how many times do I have to tell you I know exactly what I am doing?” Again with the pout, but those eyes were a warning.

That’s not what I meant. I want to help you, fully help you, not only your self-control or your cultivation, he thought, but didn’t say, opting instead to walk by his side. Wangji wanted to bridge their distance, but how could he? He would risk betraying himself, exposing himself and his own feelings. And what would happen then? How would he react, how would his clan react, how would everyone react? That was the biggest and truest cause of Wangji’s fears, the source of all his anguish. He hoped somehow, with enough time, Wei Ying could finally piece together the true meaning of his offers for help. But maybe all his hope was in vain, maybe Wei Ying had changed so much that Wangji’s own eyes were now also inscrutable to him, he who once was the only one outside his family who could read through his face.

For the first time, as Wangji went into his clan’s tent and then to his bed, he thought of playing his guqin in his home in Cloud Recesses not to help soothe Wei Ying’s soul, but to calm his own heart.