fandomweekly | [#154] Undeserved Forgiveness (FAKE)

Theme Prompt: #154 – Atonement
Title: Undeserved Forgiveness
Fandom: FAKE
Rating/Warnings: PG
Bonus: Yes.
Word Count: 1000
Summary: Dee has never felt more ashamed of himself. How can he ever hope to make amends when he knows he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven?

As they left the alleyway, Ryo steering the handcuffed Ben Lloyd ahead of him, Dee couldn’t bring himself to look at his partner. He was overwhelmed with shame over what he’d done, the bloody graze on his partner’s cheek both an accusation and a condemnation of his stupidity.

What had he been thinking? Maybe the problem was that he hadn’t been thinking at all, too consumed by rage and hate, most of it directed at the wrong person. Lloyd may have planted the bomb, but it hadn’t been his idea. He was just a lowlife, willing to do anything if the price was right. Probably would’ve sold his own sister, if he had one, for a ten grand payday.

‘I musta been outta my ever-lovin’ mind,’ Dee thought gloomily. He’d temporarily taken leave of his senses, that was the only possible explanation. Traumatic experiences would do that, but it didn’t absolve him of guilt. He was the one who’d pulled the trigger, the one who’d almost shot his partner, had in fact clipped him with a bullet. He’d come within inches of killing, or at least maiming, the man he was pretty sure he loved. Temporary insanity wasn’t a good enough excuse. There were NO excuses good enough for what he’d done. Never would be.

What could he even say? “Sorry I threatened to kill you for getting in my way when I was trying to take revenge against an unarmed man for destroying the orphanage and putting Mother in the hospital?” Yeah, right, that would fix everything. Not.

What good was revenge anyway? If he’d murdered someone, he would have been betraying everything Mother stood for; she’d raised him to do what was right, and if she didn’t survive her injuries, he was pretty sure she’d haunt his ass for the rest of his days. He’d deserve it too.

This wasn’t the first time he’d wanted to take revenge on someone, but last time it had been Jess who’d talked him down.

“You want revenge? What’s it worth to you?”

“What d’you mean? I just wanna make him pay for what he did to me! Can’t let him get away with it; what would my friends think?”

“And then what? Exactly what d’you think you’d gain?”

Eleven-year-old Dee had shrugged thin shoulders. “I dunno.”

“D’you think it’ll teach him a lesson, or that it’ll make you feel better? It won’t. Revenge doesn’t solve anything. You’ll end up feeling worse than you already do, because you’ll have lost your self-respect, and that’s something you’ll never get back. Revenge is a sucker’s game, Dee, played by people who never had any self-respect to start with; you’re better than that.”

Hands jammed in his pockets and shoulders sagging, wallowing in misery and self-disgust, Dee shambled along in his partner’s wake, sighing heavily; he’d thought he’d already hit rock-bottom, but the memory of that long-ago conversation made him sink even lower. Jess had been right about the price of revenge all along; he’d sacrificed his self-respect, and probably any hope of ever winning Ryo’s heart, over a scumbag with no morals whose days were numbered anyway. Hell, if you looked up the word ‘Loser’ in a dictionary, you’d probably find a picture of Ben Lloyd.

“You okay?”

Dee was jolted out of his pity party by his partner’s quiet words. Way to rub salt in his self-inflicted wounds; he’d been about to kill an unarmed man, had threatened to shoot his own partner for getting in the way, had even gone so far as to fire at him, and Ryo wanted to know if HE was alright? What was he supposed to say to that?

“No, I’m not okay, and you shouldn’t be either, not after what I did to ya. I could’a killed ya, you should be yellin’ at me for endangerin’ your life, for bein’ a jerk, for takin’ the law into my own hands, not worryin’ about me. I don’t deserve it.”

“I already tried yelling at you; not sure it had much effect, but I didn’t know what else to try since you didn’t want to listen to reason.”

Risking a sidelong glance at his partner, Dee caught Ryo’s wry smile. “I don’t know how ya can be so calm, not after…” He trailed off uncomfortably.

“It’s over, and everyone’s still in one piece. You’re not a murderer, Dee. I knew you wouldn’t really shoot me.”

“Yeah? Well, I didn’t. Scared the hell outta me when my gun went off.”

“Gave me a bit of a fright too, but I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean to pull the trigger. It was just bad luck the bullet grazed me. If you’d really been trying to shoot me, I wouldn’t be talking to you now. You’re not such a bad shot that you would’ve missed at that range, not unless you meant to.”

“I had no business to be wavin’ my gun at ya in the first place. You were only tryin’ to keep me from doin’ somethin’ monumentally stupid.”

“Nice to see you’ve come to your senses.”

Dee winced. “Thanks, I think. Don’t know why you’re not mad at me though; ya oughta be tellin’ me what a disappointment I am, maybe givin’ me a swift kick up the ass.”

“You were still too angry and upset to think clearly, and that’s completely understandable. Mother’s your family, of course you want the person responsible for hurting her to pay for what they did. But you’re also a cop, and you know it’s not your place to play judge and jury.”

“Yeah, I know. I just forgot for a bit.”

“Heat of the moment. Anyway, no permanent harm done, and there were extenuating circumstances, so you’re forgiven. By me, at least.”

“I don’t deserve it. Why d’ya always haveta be so nice?”

Ryo shrugged. “That’s just the way I am.”

Dee huffed; there was no reasoning with Ryo! But Dee wouldn’t accept forgiveness until he’d made amends, however long it took.

The End

[#154] Undeserved Forgiveness (FAKE)

no subject